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I am a mother who speaks three languages (Spanish, English, Norwegian) and some French and Portuguese.
My daughter is 3 years old, and although we are Spanish, I try to teach her English in different ways (songs, books, movies, cartoons) but as she is getting older she is asking me more and more to speak and listen into Spanish. So, what can I do? She is still interested in it, but lesser. Her father and I talk in English sometimes and that makes her curious.
I am a bit frustrated that my child will not be bilingual or that she will struggle too much learning languages in the future. She goes to a “bilingual” public school here, but the bilingualism is kind of a joke in the public system here.
What can I do to raise her bilingual within my possibilities?!
Thank you for being there and your help!

Best regards,
Constanza Niell

Dear Constanza,

We really liked your question because it goes straight to the point and reflects a very common problem for Spanish parents with a strong level of a second or even third language, which they would like to trasmit to their children.

After spending so much time, effort and love teaching another language to your children, it’s very frustrating to see them resist using that language or even ask us to please speak Spanish. But this reaction comes as a result of your child’s intelligence, her emotional intelligence.

Your daughter sees you speaking Spanish to many people throughout the day, so she knows that you not only understand it but are also extremely capable of communicating in Spanish. On the other hand, when your daughter wants to communicate with you, show you something, etc, her main goal is for you to understand her and she expresses herself more easily in Spanish.

One thing is clear: even if a child doesn’t want to use the language we are exposing her to, we are still giving her an important passive learning process. With just a little push, your daughter will have a much easier time speaking this language than another child who was not exposed to it at an early age.

It’s simple: children see language as a tool for communicating and they don’t see any advantage to using another language they are less comfortable with and which is less effective in helping them achieve their goal of communicating. They don’t realize just how useful the language will be for them later in life.

So what can we do? That’s the million dollar question, and the answer can be found when we analyze what is missing from the current situation:

1) Your daughter doesn’t see the NEED to use her more “uncomfortable” language in certain situations.
2) Her active proficiency in English may be lacking. Though she understands it perfectly, it may be easier for her to communicate in Spanish than English.
3) She has clearly identified you as a native Spanish speaker so she prefers to use Spanish with YOU. She is showing her frustration at having to sacrifice an easier way of communicating with her mother.

Possible solutions:
Increase her need for using the language by exposing her to situations in which she simply can’t use Spanish:
-Send her to a monolingual English school (not everyone can afford this, since they’re often very expensive).
-Take her on vacation to English speaking countries and organize stays in hotels with activities for chidlren. You can even enroll her in a day care center in the mornings.
-Join a playgroup with other children and parents that only speak English.
-Sign her up for after school activities in English with teachers that only speak English (If you live in Madrid, you can find a long list at www.kidsinmadrid.com)
-If you have English speaking family, invite them to spend some time with you at least twice a year (at least two weeks at a time would be ideal).
-Later on, when she’s a bit older, you can arrange an exchange with an English speaking family through an international organization (she would travel for a month and another child would come live at your house for a month during the summer).
-Some families sign up to be Host Families for foreign university programs in Spain (housing a university student).
-Hire an English speaking nanny for several hours a week and take advantage of some “couple time”. Or you can have an English language au-pair come to stay with you. You can learn more about this kind of services at www.soschildcare.com

Another great advantage in these situations would be for your daughter to see you speaking English with other people besides her.

You can increase your daughter’s overall exposure to her second language so that she feels more confident and comfortable with it. This can only be achieved by INTERACTING with her in the language, so watching TV or listening to songs is not enough. It’s also important NOT TO CORRECT her mistakes in the language, because this may make her think “of course, I’m much better at speaking the other way”.
-You can read books together and ask your daughter questions about the book such as “Who did Little Red Riding Hood meet in the woods?” Your daughter will say “the wolf” and you can encourage her by saying “that’s right!”
-It’s also a good idea to play games in which she has to answer easy questions with short answers, so that she is almost always right.

You can associate English with SPECIAL activities with Mom, which will prevent your daughter from considering English an obstacle which keeps her from communicating with Mom:
-Use a cartoon character doll from the cartoons you daughter watches in English to play English games that are always played wit the same doll. If she wants to play that game, it has to be with Elmo because Mom “doesn’t know how to play”. For example, Elmo plays hide and seek, and he talks about where he’s looking and asks for clues. “If María would just tell me where she’s hiding…I don’t know if she’s close or far away. Are you very far away María?
-Books are very useful for reading together and talking about what happens in the stories, especially if you only buy her favorite books in bilingual or English language editions. Go to the bookshop and let her choose!
-Use movies to help you play fun games. For example, every time someone says the word “you”, you jump. Every time someone says the word “I” you squat down. Every time the witch comes on the screen you shout, “go away” and stick out your tongue…When your children are older you can take them to see their favorite movies at the movie theater, but only if they watch the movies in their original version.
-When they are older you can play family board games together in English…

These are just a few practical suggestions for helping your daughter to stop rejecting her second language without damaging the mother-daughter relationship. We hope they are useful!

Thanks again for your question,
Dr. Orlanda Varela

Dr. Orlanda Varela is a Child Psychiatrist and the Coordinator of the educational project for Bilingual Families at SINEWS Multilingual Therapy Institute in Madrid. SINEWS organizes bilingualism workshops for parents in Madrid, as well as personalized speech therapy sessions to bilingual families with specific language development problems. For more information, please visit sinews.es.